While on my goodwill ambassador mission to the V&A Waterfront in Cape Town with the Rolls Royce engineers, I spotted Tweetie. Just chilling at the docks, next to the dry dock near the Cape Grace Hotel. I mean I would have thought this is a little out of Tweeties natural habitat.

Enjoy Tweetie chilling in the back

I just kind of wonder about the stability of people like this. I mean, it’s cool if Tweetie is your vibe, and you dig it, but to get a Hyundai, in yellow, with “Tweetie - WP”, with an actual Tweetie in the back windscreen and on the front window may be pushing it a touch.

Either this is really weird, or it’s just too cool for me to actually realise how cool it is. Mind you, the car is from Hyundai in Belville. Goes a long way in explaining the situation. The Ville. Belville Bomber.

I’m not quite sure yet what I think about it. I really have taken so much Valium, Prozac and Oxycontin today that I actually can’t feel anything. Like literally, I cannot feel my body. I’m smashing the keyboard so hard that buttons are just breaking off.

Better not give myself a handski.

“Kate!”

“A hand around?”

“Yeah bee-atch, do you really think I employed you as a house servicer to actually clean the house? Are you on crack? And by the way Kate, you must end off every sentence with ‘Your Royalty’ ”

“Yes Your Royalty”

“Thanks cracker. Why don’t you scuttle along and get Your Royalty a gin and tonic. And a slice of lemon. And stir it counter clockwise!”

The shit I have to put up with in my life.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I don’t know what is wrong with you lot! I merely mention touching, licking, fingering, dildos and crabs and you’re mind is all in the gutter…vomiting on itself!

I really had no other motive for that headline other than to tell you that I was at the Two Oceans Aquarium in Cape Town last night.

You see I’ve been quite busy and naughty this week. Some Rolls Royce engineers have been down and we went to Moyo at Spier on Tuesday night and then to the Two Oceans Aquarium last night. Oh we also took a cruise on the Tigger 2 last night, gorgeous! More on all that later…

Now to the aquarium. It obviously started off with me arriving, and feeling the need to lick something. Obviously with all the school girls being in Plett it’s been a while since I perved a girl. Girls my age are too wise, I could NEVER go for them! And they think they know everything, and are just all over the place, so confused about life.

That’s what I love about these high school girls man. I keep getting older, they stay the same age.

So I went clowning around and I believe these are clown fish. Don’t quote me on that, I was high as shit! No really, they are clown fish. I licked the tank. I got a bit of the tank inside me.

It was late last night and the aquarium was closed to the public (Read: Plebbs) but it was open to this young sir. I decided to be naughty, and while no one was looking, I would finger something. At the touch pool.

Sea anemones, here I come! I’ve always had this fascination with how many fingers I can get into something. Nothing sexual, purely curious.

I tried one.

Good Lord, so loose!

I tried two.

Still so loose!

I went for the triple.

BOOM! Inside!

On four I knew this was something I had NEVER tried before. Bang! Four all inside.

Jeez Louise, what in the hell is going on here? They say you should try everything at least once, and I can confidently claim this is the first time I have tried to put my whole fist in.

It didn’t fit. If it did, that sea anemone would have been a right whore!

I minced my way back and as I was passing the end of the touch tank, I saw something very naughty. I always like to be the first to finger and touch these things, but it seems someone else had come before me. It felt like that time I pulled that chick in like standard 9 and I was so happy that none of my other mates had pulled in (Cape Town is so small, you are bound to hook up with someone your buddy has), until later I heard they had all done that, and more. Shit man, I was broken about it!

And so I was broken about last night, knowing that someone had been playing with my anemone with a white dildo.

It shattered my heart knowing that once again, I had come on in second place.

It was then onto the massive crabs. Surely more massive than anything Paris Hilton has seen in her life.

Although I do stand to be corrected.

Check how big these bee-atches are.

Yeah, try getting rid of those. I believe they are called Spider Crabs or something.

And that’s it really, I’ll probably go get my hair sheared now, it’s getting a bit long especially in this Cape Town wind that has been pomping me of late.

I still can’t believe you perceived the headline of this article in that way.

I ought to wash your mouth out with soap.

Potty mouth.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I think this is going to be a great event, Wavescapes Surf Film Festival have teamed up with Save Our Seas (SOS) to highlight the plight of the world’s sharks which are being killed off at a rate of some 100 million per year (Crazy).

The outdoor screening on Friday 5 December 2008 on Clifton 4th beach in Cape Town should be spectacular and it starts at 8:30pm for 9:00pm. It will be screened on a big screen, on the beach, great success!

The film being shown is called Beneath The Surface, which is a multi-disciplined journey around the world with different surfers, gear and waves. There will also be a giveaway of a surfboard, hampers and Save Our Seas t-shirts.

So take it easy on Friday, get mellow at the office bar and head through to the Wavescapes Surf Film Festival.

For more information check out this link.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Rarely, if ever, will you be invited to the launch of a boutique hotel and see such a spectacular display on offer. As if the actual hotel were not enough, the management team of Nova Constantia put on a launch party certainly unrivalled by anything I have seen in Cape Town. We were invited to Nova Constantia this past Friday evening, 28 November 2008. I go to plenty of property and restaurant launches and Nova Constantia put on something special that made me view this boutique hotel in another class. Seeing the passion the owners have for their hotel is something that lets you know it’s going to be run professionally and will go on to be highly successful.

Mingling with high society at the launch..terrible job!

This type of vision sets the great villas and hotels apart from the rest because people remember the great ones. I’ve never been able to recommend a property to foreign visitors unless I have personally been to that property and had a good look around and possibly met the owners. You gain a great deal of insight into how the business will be run by meeting the team behind the business and I’m suitably impressed!

Not content in just inviting us around for drinks, the Nova Constantia team put on a full visual and audio spectacular of food, drinks, live music and a fire spinner (Poi)

Speaking to the Nova Constantia team, it was said that from the outset, they are not expecting to break even within their first season, and while some may think this unambitious, this is the true sign of great business. A great deal of money has clearly been spent on creating a boutique hotel that is plush, liveable and within the standards of any top class chain hotel — Only with boutique you get the attention to detail and that personal touch that can be felt when entering Nova Constantia.

A lot of people think the property business is easy, and just because you have a good location it will sell out and you will make money quickly. But it takes more than that and the team, including director Jiri Batek and the highly experienced Mike FitzGerald of Sterling Resort Management & Development Services, have put together a boutique hotel that is sure to be highly sought after in the luxury Cape Town property market. With a restaurant, snooker table, solar heated pool, tennis court and gym facilities, Nova Constantia set themselves apart by being that home away form home, rather than that chain hotel that you’re usually booked into.

Also, the prices are highly competitive, seeing as though boutique hotels offer more in the way of those personal touches.

Barbecues around the pool, gourmet dinners prepared by top chefs, sushi evenings, and wine and cheese pairing with the winemakers are all available and are one of the many reasons why Nova Constantia is the hot ticket in Cape Town accommodation. Bookings are now open and if you are in Cape Town and looking for something more personal than a chain hotel, Nova Constantia Boutique Hotel in Constantia, Cape Town, is your number one choice.

The evenings cocktails were crafted by the highly professional and talented team at Thirst Bar Services, who had served us the previous night at Twiice International in Cape Town.

Thirst Bar Services kept me VERY happy!

Gathering like fireflies around the Thirst Bar…

Instant seduction!

The guys at Thirst really do know how to make their drinks, get hold of them for your next function over here.

The final touch to the evening was when we left, we were presented with a bottle of Constantia Uitsig white wine and a 2GIG Nova Constantia engraved flash drive with all the photos and details of Nova Constantia. It’s this special attention to detail that will have people remembering Nova Constantia, as if the hotel were not beautiful enough.

Go on, click here and take a full look at what is on offer at Nova Constantia.

It’s the luxury you’ve been looking for.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Cheldon, one of our readers, sent me a whole host of photos yesterday but I was busy saving other parts of the world and was unable to check e-mail and save burning buses in Cape Town. Anyway, funny enough this bus was a Translux and I was in Checkers yesterday (Don’t ask) and saw an advert for Translux. I shit you not, this is what it said:

“GO! Fall in love on a Translux”

It then had a couple holding each other.

Fall in love on a Translux? Are you from THE Plein? Are you a Parow Arrow? Are you a Bellville Bomber?

Who in their right mind (Not on Tik) would fall in love on a Translux?

I mean, I can imagine falling in love on a Concorde, or on Clifton 4th (Happens to me all the time), or falling in love at school when you are surrounded by the same chicks all the time and after a while you just tend to fall in love with them, but on a bus?

I think we’re taking the wrong marketing angle here, guys. The only type of love you might get on a Translux is the “I’m so horny I’ve been on this bus for ten hours and will shag anything that moves” type of sex. I don’t think that’s really love either, especially when you don’t know the chicks name and the first time you had sex was while moving through Zimbabwe or something.

Anyway, I believe that’s why the bus exploded, it had come from Joburg and the sexual energy was electric, causing the engine to explode, or causing someone to blow their load. Either way, a sexually deprived trip from Joburg will end in an explosion either in your pants or in the bus engine. God, imagine coming all the way from Joburg thinking “Yeah, maxing it in Cape Town with all the fashion models” and then your bus explodes. It’s SO kak to lose!

Either way, it turned out like this:

I bet the lady who sells chips was saying “Naai kykie bus, mos in its poes in!”

Oh, I also found this amusing, on the Translux website, under “Safety”:

“All our buses undergo stringent maintenance programs designed to ensure that our buses are reliable and always comply with the highest safety and maintenance standards. Autopax has fully equipped workshops, operated by highly qualified technicians to ensure that the vehicles are always in perfect conditions” (Isn’t it condition?)

“Always in perfect safety conditions”

Clearly…

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I must say, I tend to fall in love with Nando’s adverts.

This one is sheer brilliance! Click here to check it out.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Just a quick note here. If you want to live like we do, play like we do and just get inside of the mind of SLXS, Entourage is a good program to start watching. The similarities are endless! I spoke about this a while ago when Season 4 was on pre-order, but now the Holy Grail has arrived!
So buy Entourage Season 4 over here.

And if you haven’t got hold of the other seasons, now would be a good time. Click the following to buy online. Basically you see things in one dimension and then order it through kalahari.net.

Then a real man, in real life, delivers a real product to your door. I know…insane!

Buy Entourage Season 1

Buy Entourage Season 2

Buy Entourage Season 3: Part 1

Buy Entourage Season 3: Part 2

Buy the complete 4th Season of Entourage.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Why wasn’t I on to this earlier? You may well be asking yourself that.

You try living in hotels with open bars. For a living.

Exactly!

So that’s it. Cape Town tonight at 9pm. 1st Floor Fairweather House. 176 Sir Lowry Road, Woodstock. Tickets are R70 - R120. Buy online at GlobalBreakhrough.com

Sean Lloyd

Editor

We’ve spoken about hangovers once or twice here, and basically a hangover is when you look like a piece of fuckshitcockballs the morning after drinking copious amounts.

Although I sometimes like to keep my body guessing by drinking in the day, and confusing my body by getting a hangover at 9pm. Variety is the spice of life!

Anyway, with my last order on Mantality I was sent a whole host of Nickel products to test out and I have tried the Nickel Super Clean Face which is a face wash and exfoliator. It kind of makes my skin look like a babies because it’s so smooth after washing! Smooth as a babies bum.

OH. MY. GOD! I just made that up right now but it makes SO much sense! A babies bum is smooth! Amazing.

So anyway I’ve been punishing the tester of the Nickel Super Clean Face and then I waited until a night of bent proportions to test out the Nickel Rescue Gel.

My face was looking dull like a war zone and so I had a scrub with Nickel Super Clean Face to get all the smoke and booze out. And that grimy club atmosphere.

I then took out my sample of Rescue Gel, massaged it into my face and good grief! It’s most amazing as it has this cooling effect, and it’s also not greasy. It’s fresh and makes your face feel all cool like you’ve put a touch of ice on it. Best of all, it moisturises well in addition to firming your skin and making it look brand new.

An angel in disguise

It contains menthol, coffee and soy beans extracts which help to firm, decongest and stimulate your skin so the boss won’t even have a hint that you have been out on a school night. I always feel so naughty going out on school nights.

Especially when I look at school girls!

So that’s it, you can bend your life in half and still look like a million bucks the next day.

It almost feels criminal to be using these products, but they are 100% legal.

Click here to buy Nickel Super Clean Face.

And click here for the morning after shock treatment for your face, Rescue Gel by Nickel. Delivery on Nickel products is free as well!

If you need the morning after pill, you should have been shopping over here on Mantality.

Sean Lloyd

Editor